when you are living a life full of so much bad and hate and problems, where does the good go?

my brother left rehab (claiming sobriety) at the start of the summer, lo and behold it’s the end of the summer and he’s already royally fucked up. he stole over 5k from my dad and tried to steal double that through check forgery. and it’s sad. it’s really sad seeing someone you care about so much be so self-destructive.

so i feel like I have to make up for all the bad by being really good. but I want to be bad. I want to fuck up like only a teenager can and feel no regret in the morning. I want to sneak out and stay up and make a few bad decisions, as long as I learn from them. But I can’t. because all the bad was sucked up by the rest of the family so now we’re all searching for the good and only the good.

I don’t believe in God anymore. It’s hard when you’ve been let down so many times.